There is a beauty in the world that is untouchable. A certain vibe or sense of being that is not tangible through touch but by simply being. Only a few people know me well. None of the people in my so called family know me, so the word family has no meaning to who I am, or to what I hold to be my identity. Only the select few that I have allowed to a piece of who I am know me best. I have never completely revealed myself to anyone. My best friend(right now) knows me at about 50%. I tell him all the good thoughts I have and things but never the evil. Another good friend of mine has an insight into that world but I talk to him in enigmas so that I reveal a lot if he can figure out what I am saying. Even now, this is not the real me. This is a projection of someone who I deem to be able to talk freely.
Now if I were to switch to the intellectual side of me. The uneasy side that is entirely stimulated by what is intellectual, metaphysical, and outworldly there would be a drastic change in theme, emotion, voice, and mere vernacular. There is no such thing as a perfectly projected self. I am not alone in this failure to perfectly present myself into an essay. Thoughts change constantly and so those the persona. Even after the mere action of speaking your mind and projecting your thoughts change the entire basis of its foundation. The thought is entirely tangible, and this is something that is probably already understood so I will not go further into this idea.
I am writing this, for the sole purpose to learn more about myself and to establish a foundation or guide to my own psyche.
At the innermost level I am a psychopath. At least that is what I believe and want to be. I find beauty in the abnormal for there is a deafening dull in being normal. I love the idea of ignoring pain. I test myself with this idea by facing pain and recognizing it as just a sensation. That feeling good or bad is just a perspective and that really none of it matters. It is a matter of choice. You define pain to be a negative sensation because it is so obvious to the society that surrounds you. And for obvious reasons, there is an evolutionary advantage to feeling pain. But our species is at a stage where it is no longer necessary to fear pain. That does not mean to deliberately go out into the world in search for it, but rather when it comes, do not deny it or fear it but embrace it. The sensation is just chemicals in the brain signaling that something is wrong. But you do not have to hate the sensation or feel discomforted by it. Recently I injured my finger and after my initial response of uncontrollable sensation, I separate myself from the present and look objectively to know that the pain is there but a slight change in perspective is all that is needed. You never ignore the pain you just do not fear it. This will liberate you from half of what the world will threaten you with.
The other is emotional pain. Death or torturing outside of yourself. Threats upon family and friends. This causes weakness and should be seen as emotional liabilities. The lonely man is the impenetrable one.
I also believe that I am a different species of psychopath. There are ones that share the same mental claim that I have but the term psychopath is greatly misrepresented by media and supposed experts in the field. The term psychopath entails a group of individuals that are too nebulous to be able to seriously consider them to be part of the same group. There needs to be a consideration of grade scale or segregated factions. Right now I am writing at the level of an average psychopath. Average iq and not a murderer. There are the idiot psychopaths that murder for the hell of it and disguise their intellectual retardation with enigmatic phrases and spew controversy in the media. I will come back to this later because I am bored.