Killing Chapter 8 Reluctance

One can draw from the title the simple conclusion that I will tackle an attribute that is highly tied with psychopaths. I will not deny that killing is most likely a little bit easier for us, but that does not mean we do not value life, people, or that we lack some cerebral development. Humans are equally created to both help and hurt one another.
I have tangoed with death a few times in my life. I will tell you of one of my masquerades. What you are about to see is something I have never revealed to anyone.
When I was a child, maybe age 8 or 10, there was a stray cat. I was absolutely mystified by the cat for I rarely had any pets that were larger than a fish. I held it up and stared into its eyes and watched it prowl. I had many encounters with the cat, but one encounter sticks out among the rest.

The day was like any other. I showed up at the green and dark meadow where the cat was calmly strolling. The only difference was that next to the cat there was a single ply of wood with some nails hammered in. As I stood there an insatiable amount of malice erupted from me. An almost tantric experience came when I got the ply of wood with protruding nails and repeatedly bash the cat’s torso. It ran away but I will never forget the frenzy that came over me.

So one can look at this and say that I have murderous tendencies and leave it at that, but I believe that it is more complex. I did not allow this side of me to exist without experimentation or contact. It is something I battled and gained control over. Emotions such as malice and carnage can be directed into more fruitful endeavors. I use them to protect those I value and protect myself. I will not lie and say that I do not enjoy leaking some of the attributes in front of people to see how they react, but I would never release without rightful cause.
Do not mistake it as rage either. There is no anger when I go into this state. Imagine the destructive powers of a tsunami or a hurricane. Both incredibly destructive forces of nature but they are not destroying out of anger. Like the tsunami it is just an overwhelming flood of malice and desire to obliterate, and very hard to prevent.

Today I have a love for animals and I find serenity within our companionship. I would never hurt an animal again. I have owned a dog, fish, and two turtles, and have also taken care of multiple cats. It was just an outlier of an experience which I have dealt with.

theDying psychopath

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