Her Page 12: Part II of “A Dissent into Love”

Previously: “I have only ever loved one person”

“I wanted to love her with every grain of sand, every blade of grass, and with every single strand of everything.” -TheDying psychopath

I denied this part of my life for the longest of times because I found it to be a weakness to have loved someone. I cannot tell you if I still do. My love for her is similar to the love that Sherlock Holmes had for Irene Adler. She did not encompass all of womanhood like Irene Adler did for Mr. Holmes, but I shared the unique encounter with love that he did.

In her there was everything. I could stare into her eyes and see scenic beauties that turned a glance into an awkward stare. For me she embodied innocence. For me she was the prime example of beauty although physically she was not the most attractive. It did not matter.

As I mentioned earlier, what drew my attention to her was her innocence. All the people I met before were so typical and rarely anyone deviated any degree from the social norms of idiocy and self-consciousness. Everyone was the same putrid grey that surrounded my environment until I met this one person. She was such a bright orange that it made my environment completely black and white in comparison to her colors. The grey that surrounded me burned to a pitch black in comparison to the overwhelming contrast between them and her.

I was not able to tell at first, it was only through time that I was able to realize the rare treasure that she was, like a rare gem among coal and grime. She did not care about how people perceived her. She was kind to her core. There was no deceit with her. She was carefree and meticulous at the same time. She was complex like the most ornate and divine paintings, sculptures, and poems. A truly upper-class paragon that all should devote themselves to follow. She was graceful and barbaric. Gentle and harsh. She effortlessly balanced between two extremities and created a concoction of excellence for every person that she encountered and she did this all so plainly.

In the midst of her complexity I found simplicity. Like how a great symphony ties itself together and silences itself to a simple tune that destroys the heart and soul.
She lived by a simple code and the code was so obvious but at the same time it was so rare and beautiful. Her code was of simply spreading joy. And yet, like the professional she was so skilled that her code evolved into art. I was so engulfed by her because of her artistry. She so effortlessly existed in her world of elegance.
Even her weaknesses, strangely to me, were nothing but delightful distractions. She would coil into a ball of self-consciousness because of them. And however ironic it was that I viewed her self-conscious state to be charming when I find it to be the most repulsive feature that a human can have, it still compelled me to a loving awe. This was because she was so true and to me she embodied the archetype of humanity and beauty.

She made me want to learn to become a better man. An Inamorato for my inamorata.

Out of all this, there was one thing that I strived for the most. Her laugh. The most beautiful sounds came from her laughter. Much of my purpose was found in making her smile because such a resounding warmth would fluctuate from her and make me feel such a climactic high that I very much became addicted to her smiles and laughter. There was so much I wanted to do with her but I was so limited.

In my supreme interest I became protective. Our relationship started with me teasing and, quite frankly, insulting her. But when my revelation came to me, I found myself to be overwhelmingly protective over her. Reminding her of her beauty and such things became part of my day-to-day vernacular. I loved her with all that I had and to me it was not enough. I wanted to love her with every grain of sand, every blade of grass, and with every single strand of everything. Likewise, my emotions swayed with her. I gave my emotions to her and I would find my happiness dependent on her own. My dignity meant nothing to me as long as she was happy.

I would likewise, take every opportunity to be with her or in her presence. Like a drug I needed my dosage of time spent with her. I could tell you all the times that I spent with her doing the most trivial things but peaking in contentedness and the rare instances when she said the most poetic things to me that filled my heart to its brim.
And yet, she did not love me as I did.

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13 thoughts on “Her Page 12: Part II of “A Dissent into Love”

  1. psychosexual says:

    I used to know a psychopath. Actually I was madly in love with him. And I think he was in love with me too, actually. But in his psychopath way. Since I knew him, I’ve now been with another psychopath who was initially in love with me (actually we are still lovers every once in awhile). It seems like I am extremely drawn and attracted to and fascinated by men who are psychopaths, and furthermore, they seem to be drawn and attracted to me as well. I don’t know why this is. But I find psychopathic men much more enthralling than normal men. Their intensity, their unpredictably, their ‘fire’ and ‘depth’. Do you think there is something about psychopathic men that makes them more interesting people? The ones I’ve known have had a suffering mystery about them as well as being intelligent, beautiful, introspective, and intricate. They are beautiful and . . yes . . they are sublime. They have shown me the sublime. When I am with a psychopathic man there is some kind of magical enrapturing energy that interacts from ourselves in intellectually, emotionally, and sexually electrifying ways. Why am I so drawn to psychopaths and why are they so drawn to me? Even though I am still learning about these miraculous people, the more I learn, the more my heart leaps with love and fascination. To be honest, I think I might prefer psychopaths to normal men. I’m not sure . . they are also very painful to be with sometimes. It is an interesting learning process for me, to know psychopathic men.

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    • perhaps you are attracted to them because of the same “suffering mystery” that you possess. The idea of a beautiful sorrow, pain, or sadness is not foreign to you, so you draw comparison with us. You also do not like the projections of normal men. Since we are so blatant and obviously ourselves you do not feel the barriers that you would feel with normal men. You are merely left to your own devices to discover who we are and within us, you find yourself. And since a intellectual desires someone to have an interest in their thought processes the most, your attention is nothing but ecstasy.

      perhaps…

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  2. akp says:

    Samtire, and M, have you ever operated purely on hate and rage for an extended period of time (weeks, months or longer)?

    M, there is a phenomenon where people see a limited sample of some thing (let’s say people in this case) and from this relatively limited group, the person seeing this infers that most people must be like the group of people. The way that would apply in this case is that you’re reading what Samtire posts and comparing that intellectual identity with the limited sample of people in the approximate age range (24-25 years old) that you have come across, perhaps even presuming some degree of extrapolation of mental organization (or some other characteristic of people in that age range). From this group of people (which likely does not include or exclusively include psychopaths, or if it does, unlikely that they would be similar to Samtire -as there are some differences between him and other psychopaths), you’re looking for some degree of mental similarity against which you might find by approximation of people that are older than you (a difficult task indeed).
    What I was getting at (above) is that for you to accurately approximate Samtire’s age to that range, you would need to be in regular contact with people of that age range that are in some way exceptional (or by some sampling criterion ‘different’ from others), so (operating under the assumption that you did have access to people of this nature) I inferred that you must likely be close to that age range to estimate that Samtire’s age is around there.
    Also, the other complicating factor is IQ because Samtire’s IQ (admittedly by estimation) is easily over 100, so it would be difficult task to get an accurate reading of his age through his writing.
    What I mean to say is that it is likely you lack data of people in that age range and that the intelligence of the subject complicates the maths with regards to approximation, so whatever sample you might be comparing him to must be an interesting one indeed to come up with that age range. By all accounts, you may be right, but neither of us shall know until he replies (or does not – as is his privilege) with his age.
    -Well, Samtire… we’re waiting.

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    • theShadow says:

      akp, I have operated on rage for an extended period of time. It’s quite empowering, but the deficiency that comes from this is a sort of blindness, whereby recognizing one’s limits will then outline the boundary of one’s rage or hatred – for it is a stupid presumption to act beyond one’s means. Eventually, I modified the brewing anger into crystalline focus, and put my energies into optimal function, which (thus far) has been much more productive (and has a reduced likelihood of legal entanglement).
      akp, it seems that you may be referring to confirmation bias, though, if your interpretation is correct, you seem to be highlighting (your perception of) M’s lack of experience in such matters rather than, a real confirmation bias.
      akp, age isn’t a particularly relevant measurement for intelligence, nor does it really matter. Brilliance can be found at any age and in any domain. At any rate, I am interested in your IQ’s and perhaps your ages (if you’re willing to share them), although IQ is a more relevant performance (or aptitude) indicator. If you volunteer yours, I shall volunteer mine.

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  3. M says:

    Please don’t perceive any of my comments as trying to tell you what or who you are, I’m just explaining the way I view you from the limited knowledge I have of you.

    I’d be very interested in hearing the degree of your spirituality and some of the spiritual experiences you’ve had. Also please tell me if you have experimented with drugs and if so which, when and how often. While I completely agree that I cannot infer your psychopathology from these posts – it appears, from these posts, that you’re almost attached to the label of ‘psychopath’. It looks as if it may be something you pride yourself on as it distinguishes you from everybody else. Also it’s interesting that when you have a profound view on a sense of self-hood and identification of “I”, you identify yourself as a psychopath. For me, walking a similar spiritual path led me to only identify objectively with what the 5 senses are currently experiencing in the very moment of the present.

    You have a very, very intriguing mind, please also answer:

    How old are you?
    What lead you to be diagnosed as a psychopath (situation it occurred in as well as your traits that were used for diagnostics)?
    What country are you from?

    Best regards,

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    • I shall make a note of some of my spiritual life later in my blog.
      I have taken any drug that I have came by or came into contact with. I do wish to take a hallucinogenic however I have never had the chance./
      You are right to assume that I find pride in the term psychopath, but if you read my earlier blogs I talk about my disgust for the stereotyping of my breed. I would like to show the world the nebulous nature of the psychopaths.
      I wonder how old you think I am.
      I suspect the first time I was diagnosed it was done the same as everyone else, through a professional. The second time was in a classroom with a psychology teacher. They did not single any traits rather took upon me as a whole and try to decipher what kind of person I was. I will be honest in saying that they had a rather difficult time. Which was quite funny for me.
      I am from the US.
      THank you for your attention.

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      • akp says:

        How old are you, M?
        I suspect that you’re within two or three years of your estimation of him. (There’s some sort of tendency people have for seeing a limited sample and considering it as representative – though the name of this escapes me).

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      • M says:

        Quite far off it actually, I’m 16. I commented because I felt like I resonated with a lot of the posts – such as not loving family, the concept of no “i”, feeling friendships are frivolous, etc. I’m not a psychopath yet I feel like I’ve been in the same head space and had all of the same thoughts (mostly through self-inquiry). I was more curious as to if it were these traits that define a psychopath.

        Could you please expand on what you’re talking about in regards to seeing a limited sample?

        Best regards,

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  4. M says:

    Are you sure you’re a psychopath? You just sound spiritually developed. When I was very involved in mediation I viewed things in a very similar way. Destroying a concept of self and not associating with any “I” are teachings of pure, non-dualist hinduist religions. Ramana Maharashi is an example of someone who taught this and “gained enlightenment” from following a path of self inquiry leading to such conclusions. I have had very similar thoughts when getting very involved in meditation. You not being inclined socially is also something I have experienced and I think it just means you are aware of the frivolous nature of most conversation and this is just a result of wisdom. Striving to grow intellectually, employing self control with love, etc. – They’re all things I’ve been through and they all just sound like spiritual development. You sound more like Einstein or Buddha, both of which I suspect and hope weren’t psychopaths.

    Just my opinion however, I’m sure you would yourself a lot better than I would from reading your blog. Very interested in if you are spiritual and what you think of my comment.

    Best regards,

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    • You are correct to induce that I am a spiritual person. Not religious but spiritual as there is a fine difference between the two. But that does not mean a psychopath cannot be a spiritual person.
      People such as yourself have a “psychopath mold” that they have created themselves through the help of media or maybe even psychology.
      The term psychopath is casted upon a large group of people and to define such a large group with such specific terms is very brave. We are nebulous group of individuals with varying attributes across the screen. I am a psychopath because I have been diagnosed as one.
      Now just like I cannot tell if someone is gay by everything they write, you cannot infer my psychopathology from all my posts. As Bruce Lee put best, “I am not here to meet your expectations. You’re not here to meet mine.”
      I thank you for comparing me to such great minds and the time you spent analyzing, and I believe that you can gain perspective through this.
      An interesting side point is the fact that I am not talking to you. This is a “voice” that I have just created to talk to you. You will see a difference in diction or voice if you reread this. Tell me your thoughts

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