I recently began a train of introspection to help better understand who I am. I noticed another sociopathic idiosyncrasy. I believe from this stems all misconceptions of the psychopath’s lack of emotion. As one can easily see, I am talking about how calm we normally are, especially in emotionally devastating events. The imagery painted by society of the individual standing still amidst the crowd running for its life as rubble falls and crashes onto the people. The o’too-cliche scene of the man witnessing the death of many people and not showing any change in facial expression. Our calm has been highly misconstrued and has deceived the world of our true nature.
Our calm is not eternal or forever. Nor does our calm symbolize the eye at the center of a hurricane, and foreshadow the manifestation of our intense hate, malice, or any other destructive emotion. We do not hide ourselves, their is no true psychopath hidden behind a mask of lies. Our calm is just our choice. We choose to not be emotionally attached because we find it wasteful to be attached to whatever event is at hand. We reserve our daily intellectual capacities so that we may sparingly divulge our energies into what we find truly worthwhile and interesting. We are not patiently storing our hate withing ourselves and walk around like a ticking time bomb. We are rather like automated password locked computers that only allow access to certain keywords or phrases.
We are unapologetic-ally meticulously emotionally selective.
I often forget what it is like to be human. Strange sentence isn’t?
I forget what the norm is and my expectations of people come off as arrogant or ignorant.
I am usually an observant person and I have found that I fluctuate in my “humanity”. On some parts of the year I show more human like qualities and others not so much. So what do I mean by human? I think it will be easier to explain if I elucidate what it means to be less human. Most people are not curious about the world and actively go out to learn things, whether they be humanities, life, or music. People tend to just want to enjoy life and laugh. In my less human endeavors I do not seek to enjoy life but rather just to experience all aspects of it. I find a off-put joy in my experience and learning of different perspectives and wisdom.
I was reminded of the difference between mere thought patterns between the people that surround me. Curiosity is not as crucial to there lives as I expect it to be because I am just merely different. Now, there are times where I display unplanned amounts of humanity and kindness. Although I am not very well known for kindness, there are instances where I surprise even myself.
As an individual that likes to coordinate and plan all things in my control, this is one thing that I seem to have less control over.
The psychopath is such a specific term for a nebulous group of people. If I had the power to change the term to be more specific towards what I am then I would. Sadly I cannot and it is a title that will stick onto me forever. I understand why people misunderstand the capabilities of people like me when it comes emotional maturity and intelligence. To be honest I do not even know my own capabilities. But I do not think this attribute should be surprising towards anyone. I believe that most of the world do not know their capabilities or even search to define them. Much of the conflict in the world comes from the failure to find and understand context. The context that is hidden not only behind me but cramped behind all of us. I am a psychopath but I am also merely human. It pains me to say this I admit but I am human. I need air. I need water. I poo and I pee. I love and I hate.
People are fascinated by the term and create their own psychopathic criteria. That if they do not meet terms a,b, and c, then they are clearly not a psychopath.
People have said that I am not a psychopath because I do not meet their expectations. They expect a psychopath’s blog to contain such and such.
Now let’s take a step back. I have asked a friend of mine to write what you have just read for me in their own words. A true reiteration.
Punchline. Joke. Insanity.
Punchline. Joke. Insanity.
What does the world have for me?
With all the laughs and rape
A smile reigns upon my face.
As I inch closer to my ducal crown
to become the clown prince or king in town.
I smile, I jitter, I laugh a lot.
kill or be killed because I need to laugh
because I like to joke ‘a’ lot
with my hands choke ‘a’ lot
than clean my palate w/ some chocolate.
. Hee Hee Hoo Hoo
. Ha Ha
. S me?
. m h
. i t
. l e W i
I have said that I would never reveal all of me. This is true.
My voice is one of the most experimented with attributes of mine. I often change it at a whim in order to better communicate or even to communicate less. I shall give one of the voices here today.
Keep in mind these are not separate entities or personalities. These are just ways I incorporate and regulate my intelligence in the way that I say to best fit a situation.
This is the voice I will use when talking in social environments(most of the time). This voice is extremely funny and I have known to get all the lols in a single room ha ha. He is eccentric and energetic. He is a genius in the way that he catches onto social cues and manipulates them to make people laugh. Great way to make people like you is to make them laugh. They will see their own laughter as a sign that you are a good person and will like you. Most of the time it does not take much to convince people that you are cool or nice if you just make them laugh. With strangers I usually just rapid fire different joke-types to see what type of humor they like. Most people find the same things funny so it is not too hard to figure people out.
He also can be the most crazy. All of my voices have this potential. A sort of defense mechanism must be built into all of my creations in order to insure safety in any environment or scenario. A friend of mine thinks that I am the most sociopath-like when I have these crazy fits of humorous laughter.
Through this line of experimentation to create this character I have become able to laugh at anything. When I say anything I meant it haha.
How I created it
Many of you will be curious on how I create a voice or my mental projections. First it takes a lil bit of imagination. Imagine an ant trying to play chess and beating you in a game! Kill it so one will know. Just kidding.
First there was the matter of being actually funny. You will have to go out of your stupid lil comfort zones and try to be funny. You won’t be at first but over time you will slowly see what makes people laugh and what doesn’t. Through this you will also be gifted with the marvelous power of recognizing vibes and social cues. I use to be so terribly unfunny. Man… What a loser I was. It’s embarrassing just thinking about it.
But no worries now I am as funny as they come.
Next step was a plus for me.
Laugh at everything
It was not too hard for me. This was mixed with my experiments with fear so I tried to laugh at the things that people found not funny.I already found murder to be quite funny so the next step was the more gory and bloody stuff. I stared into the eyes of people being tortured and hurt on screens and real life and had a good laugh. It was hard at first but over time it got more and more funny. Now I laugh at anything. Oh the looks I get when I slap someone in the face or kick someone that is on the ground and have a huge laugh are the most delightful.
Of course I moderate when I choose between extremities. I like to tailor my exposure to those who I crave reaction from.
And look how normal this all sounds…hmm? Sure of course you can do the same thing. Try it… I dare you. Alllow yourself to creep into madness. Will you run in with me or crawl?
Love. Many will find my views to be unorthodox. Love to me is not necessary. Much of this view has come from my upbringing but it is true to how I think. Love to me is not a necessary component to any relationship. I do not even love my own family. I do not need to love someone because they are my mother, father, or family member. Of course I will tell my family that I love them but truly that is not the case. I think that it is idiotic that blood should predispose you to love a person, I believe that is a social construct that society has adhered itself to and used to form synthetic love or means to love. I believe this type of love is a fallacy. Now this view is founded upon a distorted view of love which deviates from my psychopathology.
Psychopathology is regarded to be something that is both genetic and nurturable. My psychopathology was formed through my environment. (It is ironic how seemingly synthetic and purposeful my, what some would call dissent into, psychopathology was.) It was created, most simply, by forceful means of psychological torture and experimentation. I can see why people would think I am unable to love because of the things I went through or, if they were to somehow find out, how I think, but I do believe that I can love. However strange that sounds one must know that, for the longest of times, love was something I could not understand or even begin to comprehend.
Love has been the bane of my existence for the longest time. Much of my later life was comprised of experiments and philosophical escapades in order to define the ridges of love and find a place for me to reside. I find that love is so complicated that I have given up many times to try to understand or master it.
Now for the type of love that deals with marriage, partnership, and sex, I am sure that I previously stated in my article about sex that limiting one’s self to a single sex is idiotic when it comes to finding partners to relate with. If you were looking for your “soul mate” you should not limit yourself to one sex because of the mere detail of what hangs or does not hang inside their pants. I would advise the reader to expand their possibilities and allow all people candidacy in their lives or pursuits. Now some might consider me to have asexual tendencies or to be an asexual altogether because of how trivial sex is to me. Sex to me is just pleasure. A simple act of coitus should not dictate the direction or depth of a relationship. I understand that today it is regarded to be a highly intimate detail to a relationship, but I would disagree with that. I think sex should be regarded as a simple activity of pleasure and should be exploited instead of being hidden under the covers of “intimacy” or “love”. Now that does not mean to have wild sex. One should only have sex when one is ready. Simple as that. If you are not ready for sex then do not have it.
Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I would love to say that the physical appearance bears no importance to me but that would be a lie. It is not as important to me as it use to be but it still bears interest. I am greatly infatuated with beauty and what is beautiful. I am a very poetic person and so I am on the constant search for beauty. So, as consequence, physical beauty interests me but there is something that is far more valuable to me. It is the internal beauty that resounds in the individual. If I were to search for love again then it would be a search through the internal worlds of the individuals I encounter. Nothing interests me more than the mind. I find stupidity to be repulsive so I do not find the beautiful but idiotic to be candidates in my world.
I would define my love to be more obsessive than anything else, but I think it is like that for everyone else. I just obsess through different means and because it is different people will look down upon my actions while they themselves share the same intent and emotion but direct their energies through more socially acceptable mediums.
Like all emotions that I deal with I dissect them down and find the upsides and downsides to every single emotion I encounter, whether it be love, anger, hate, joy, melancholy, etc…
Love has the upsides of bringing overwhelming happiness but also sadness. It is a tool for extremities. It is necessary to receive a shade of love every now and then but I would argue it is not necessary to reciprocate(This “shade” is the normal human contact that one receives whether it be on a daily or a weekly basis). Now every encounter does not have to be an intense expression or confession of love, it can be as simple as a greeting from a stranger or even a platonic conversation. I thrive not on the expressions of love but rather the deep intellectual conversations between the people I encounter.
Through all the encounters of my life, I have only ever loved one person.
Many would ascribe themselves to be a friend of mine. As people value and friendship and the use it has for networking. People will claim friendship just for the sake of appearing to be more social. And so people will claim to be my friend.
To be honest, friends are of no necessity. It is not necessary to have friends but there potential for usage is of extreme value.
It is not wrong to use people, especially if they enjoy the work they are doing because they feel as though they are getting closer to you are accomplishing some moral feat.
I am not fond of having friends because of the amount of time they will waste talking to each other about the most trivial of matters. Entire speeches where it would not have made the slightest difference if I were to never hear them speak in the first place. I have a select few friends(just 1) that I confide in and trust to be people that I completely enjoy. I am not anti-social, although my words if were to be spoken at a party would outcast me, I am intelligent with my remarks and do not deviate from social norm, regularly.
One of the most excellent uses for friends or people in general are experiments. My experiments deal mostly with reaction or revelation and I learn a great deal through my, what some would say, inhumane or queer hobby.
Some might call me mad for thinking this way but this seems very clear to me.